INTERVENTION

Dear Kim Jon-il,

As a teacher and former nanny, I believe that you need some tough love, which most people would call a time-out. I'm not sure what kind of time-out you would prefer- crabby corner (this is one my parents' favorite options), crabby stool/chair, go to your room and come out when you are feeling "normal" again (the normal thing might be difficult for you), or go to a deserted island and never come back. I am completely against spanking, but I will make an exception for you. Please note, I do not want to touch your bum, so I will have someone else administer it. You may pick either or all of them, but choose wisely.

Also, I am deeply worried about your lack of social skills. You won't show your face to the media other than old pictures or staged outings. Have you become vain in your old age? Are you worried people will say you aren't aging gracefully? Your sons seem to have their own issues, which worries me. I hope you are giving them time-outs when they need them, so they do not repeat your own mistakes. If you aren't aware of any mistakes being made, we (the world), will gladly let you know.

I wanted to thank you for firing off missiles in celebration of the USA's Independence Day. I was so surprised that you fired off 7 of them! WOW! It was very thoughtful. However, next time, fire works will be just fine. Actually, please send over some sparklers. Our children miss them.

I would also like to give you some more advice. My parents always told me that I have chosen my friends very wisely and that they are wonderful people. I'm not sure what your parents told you, but I think you chose very poorly. China and Russia do not have the greatest reputations, thus maybe they are pressuring you to be someone you aren't? Your friends sometimes reflect who you are. Maybe you need some new friends. If you would like, I can call Barack and maybe we could schedule a play date. Just a thought. Let me know.

As your neighbor in Seoul, I would prefer that you and your family choose the deserted island option (see above). Actually, I think the world would like that option. My parents would sleep easier at night and your fellow citizens would like to eat.

Please take everything that I have said to heart. I live only 1 hour from you. I've seen your stomping grounds through a telescope. I used to play soccer. I have a strong, forceful kick. Just sayin'.

With love,

xoxoxo
Ms. Schwartz